One of the oldest and most revered jobs of a father is revealing the pathways to the future from which our children must someday choose. Being their window on the world is a traditional role of fathers, but the character of what that means has changed dramatically. However, as the world has become more complex at an astonishing rate, what our children will inherit is vastly more intricate and holds greater danger—as well as greater possibilities—than even the world we grew up in just a few short decades ago. Respecting the unique potential of each of our children requires that we pay close attention to this part of our job. Unfortunately for fathers, the single most valuable skill our children need to succeed in their world is a high degree of emotional sophistication, and, traditionally, this is not a strength of men.
Best Things Fathers Do
Ideas and Advice from Real World Dads
Chapter 6: Emotional Intelligence
Become an emotional expert
For fathers, for men, it is difficult even to begin a discussion about emotions without bags full of extraneous trash getting in the way. It is unquestionably true that most men, for whatever reason and by whatever process, are much more emotionally reserved than most women. In general, it is more difficult for us to clearly identify, freely articulate, and comfortably admit to the broad spectrum of human emotions. It is also true (or at least it feels true) that most of us have, at one time or another, suffered under the brunt of a very emotionally charged accusation that all the problems of Western civilization have been caused by our own personal difficulty expressing our feelings. To put it mildly, emotions have become a very charged issue for men and, as uncomfortable as it may be, one that we must address head-on for the benefit of our children.
Ironically, in this often difficult undertaking of once again coming into full possession of our emotions, we are blessed with the best possible teachers—our children. Much of the time, children seem to run on little else but emotion. They cannot always accurately identify what they are feeling, but that is largely because they are so wrapped up in the feeling itself and they lack the vocabulary to articulate it. Helping our children identify, discuss, and respect their own feelings allows us to relearn the same lessons we may have misplaced somewhere along the journey.
In fact, parenting resembles nothing so much as a postgraduate degree in understanding and dealing with emotions. There are very few jobs imaginable for which the job description changes so radically over time. When our children are young, they assume that we know everything. From that lofty position, most of our energy can be focused on giving them the emotional
As they grow older and begin to suspect that we aren’t so smart after all, the balance begins to shift. As always, their feelings are the foundation from which we must begin, but increasingly, they will demand that we focus on the substance of things. This can be a very delicate dance, as their budding debating style sometimes veers into wildly illogical loops. We need to be skillful at honoring their feelings—dealing honestly and straightforwardly with their emerging intellect without making them feel foolish, and encouraging them to stretch their minds and souls farther outward.
Eventually, sometimes gradually and sometimes with jarring suddenness, we are bumped off the paternal pedestal. No matter how much we protest our fallibility, expose our stumblings, and apologize for our mistakes, the time comes when our children finally realize that we aren’t the paragons of virtue and intelligence they once assumed we were. And when that time comes, they are frequently angry with us. It may feel unfair, and in some ways it undoubtedly is, but we can take comfort in the knowledge that it is an essential milestone in our children’s initiation into adulthood. It is also the final transformation necessary to allow us to properly coach and counsel our young adults as they take their first tentative steps into the world of their own futures.
The easiest way to settle into this emotional university is just to spend time with our children without having to do
One way of reinforcing their certitude about that safety net of love is by becoming masters of empathy. It is a challenge that is surprisingly rewarding. True empathy goes beyond simply understanding how our children feel. It is the emotional discipline of taking yourself outside of time, putting yourself in the position that they now occupy, and then actually experiencing their feelings. It may be the simple but overwhelming frustration of your youngest child, who’s always at the bottom of the pecking order. It may be the feeling of confused rejection after an argument with a best friend. It may be the feeling of being unfairly punished.
The range of our children’s emotions is quite broad, but the span of our own emotional experiences is considerably broader. We have been there and beyond. We have had the same or similar experiences. It is not difficult to call upon our memories in order to place ourselves in proximity to their current position, and the benefits are extraordinary and immediate. When we experience their feelings, they cannot help but know it. And the better we get at sensing, decoding, and understanding the flow and texture of their emotions, the more they feel known, loved, safe, and secure.
When we are able to put ourselves in their place and feel what they are feeling, the rest is easy. Our children feel deeply understood and received. Our willingness to feel—rather than just understand—their feelings is both a demonstration of their importance to us and the proof of our love for them. Why, but for unfathomable love, would anyone want to reexperience the irrational anger, quivering fears, mind-numbing frustrations,
The rewards of empathy are many. We can find ourselves standing comfortably side-by-side with our children—even when we are disciplining them. And we get to revisit all the emotional turmoil of our youth, but this time with the clarifying assistance of our adult perspective. It gives us the power to tame storms and quiet the rumbling insecurities of youth. At the same time, it heals us like a mythical mineral bath. You cannot do one without receiving the other.
Know that their emotions aren’t all about you
One danger of being a student and teacher at the same time is that we can lose track of this point. “How could you do this to me?” How many times have you heard these words? How many times have you yourself said some variation of these words to your child? If you are like most people, the answer is more than you would like to admit. All of us sometimes slip into the self-centered position of thinking that everything is about us, but it is a very damaging role to assume, particularly when dealing with children who are struggling to understand and express their own feelings. When they stumble, act out, or get angry, we need to focus on their feelings, find out what is going on that has brought on this behavior.
By shifting the focus onto our own disappointment or anger at their behavior, we not only abandon them right at the moment they need us most to help them understand their motivation, we send them the dangerous message that their mistakes,
Raising emotionally intelligent children means supporting them in the difficult and mistake-ridden journey through their emotions. To be their guide, we need the maturity and resilience to allow our own reactions to recede in importance. Even if their behavior is intended to upset us, as it sometimes is, our taking center stage as the injured party only reinforces our children’s inappropriate way of expressing anger or frustration. It does nothing to help them figure out how to let us know more appropriately that they are upset with us about something.
Watch your body language, and theirs
Other than words, the way we communicate most often is through body language. Our words may hold meaning, but the way our bodies complement or contradict those words shows our true feelings. Through the way we sit, the way we gaze, our gestures, through every combination of physical poses possible, we shed light on our true feelings, and our children are masters at interpreting every nuance that we communicate.
Remember, from the time they were born, they have been studying us with an unbelievable intensity; knowing moods and our feelings is a central part of their job. Add to this the fact that, during the crucial formative years before they begin to master language, their focus is on how we communicate nonverbally, and it is easy to see how much information children pick up from even the most subtle shrugs,
So when we respond to their report of the day’s activities by rotely saying “That’s wonderful” without taking our eyes off the newspaper we are reading, the message we send isn’t wonderful at all; it is terribly deflating. They know that, in that instant, reading the newspaper was more important to us than listening to them.
These are not subtle messages; they can be very damaging to a child’s sense of self-importance and confidence, and unfortunately we can, and very often do, deliver them innocently and without even knowing we are doing it. After all, we’re busy—how are we going to make dinner, catch up on the news, and pay attention to our children’s concerns if we don’t “multitask”?
Beyond that problem lies a more subtle one—our words and our body language must match up. If you say, “You’re doing a great job,” you have to mean it—with your smile, your encouraging eye contact. If you say one thing and demonstrate another with your body language, your children will pick up on the hypocrisy.
Talking to children about emotions can sometimes meet with a brick wall, but when we shift gears slightly and get them engaged in trying to interpret feelings from body language, it can become an engaging game with long-term benefits. Slumped shoulders, shuffling gait, scowls, leaning forward when someone is speaking, the movement of eyes, hands, and arms all may give us reliable information about how someone is feeling.
The more attuned children become to body language, the more the world of emotions is brought into their lives. It also gives them information that allows them to be more considerate and empathetic, and gives them a way to raise issues that might otherwise be difficult or awkward for them.
When using this technique, it’s important to help kids understand that their guesses may be wrong. Not everyone does show their feelings in their bodies, so they need to learn both how to guess and how to check out their assumptions—for example, crossed arms may just be comfortable for someone and not necessarily mean they are hostile.
Listen well
Good listening skills are one of the most important prerequisites to caring for children. When they are infants, we need to hone our ears to be able to decipher the cranky cry from the wet cry from the scared cry. As they grow, we need to learn how to hear the meaning behind their words. As they struggle with both the depth and difficulty of language and the much more complicated job of trying to translate what they feel into words that adequately convey their meaning, we need to be their receptive interpreters.
Children who are listened to learn to speak earlier and are more socially outgoing and confident as the years go by. Yet at times, it’s hard to keep it all in perspective, simply because children have such an extraordinary capacity to go on and on. Of course our energy wanes, and we find it difficult to be 100 percent attentive all the time, but we need to give it our best effort.
Chatter about the robot made today in preschool or the new girl on the bus are very important in your child’s life. When we do our best to answer our children’s barrage of questions, we reinforce their sense of self-worth. If we listen well, they know that their opinions and feelings are being taken seriously, and hence they feel valued.
Young children often don’t know how to talk about their feelings, so part of “listening” to young kids is helping them put what they feel or think into words. So be attentive, look for clues from body language, be sensitive to what they may be leaving out. Children whose age is in the double digits (ten and older) should be pretty articulate about what they are feeling. It is important to let kids this age and older have the time to talk out their ideas and problems. Try not to interrupt, put words into their mouths, or talk too much. To show you are listening, stay in the conversation by occasionally recapping a conclusion your child has made, using different words.
Practice seeing the world through their eyes
The one thing we all want more than anything else is to be understood for who we really are—such a simple thing, and yet seemingly so incredibly elusive. One of the great opportunities we are given as parents is to provide exactly that to our children—understanding. And it is precisely in the employment of this magic that we can have our most powerful effect on our children. The irony is that understanding them can be difficult.
For most of us, this has come as something of a surprise. For some reason, we seem to assume that understanding our children will come naturally. Maybe we assume they’ll be a lot like us, or at least that our careful nurturing will go a long way toward “molding” them into who they are. It is, therefore, often a shock to find out that your sweet little child has its own and very different set of needs, curiosities, and interests. On the one hand, it’s astounding to realize that such a tiny person can come
The first part of the challenge is to drop all our preconceived ideas. We have to stop assuming, and instead watch and wonder. Listen to the things they talk about and that interest them. Try to track the threads that tie their youthful, wandering thoughts together. Dig deeply into the whys and wherefores of their feelings. Try to remember what you were like at their age; try to imagine what it must be like to be a child in this day and age.
Fit yourself in their shoes as snugly and often as you can and leave yourself open to who they really are. Chances are, you will find traits you’d rather not find—maybe your son has a hair-trigger temper, or your daughter procrastinates and loves to play with spiders, or wants to be a police officer when she grows up. These may not be your preferences, but then, it isn’t your life either. Accept it, make your peace, and get on with the much more important job of knowing them deeply and loving them for all the uniqueness they bring to the world.
Work through the silence
One of the most difficult bumps in the road for parents is when, all of a sudden, their sons or daughters retreat into silence. The reasons can range from those that are minor and may easily be addressed to much more serious ones, and it is not always easy to figure out—especially since they aren’t talking. The one thing we know for sure is that they have withdrawn from us, and that in itself is a problem.
The reason may be as simple as a feeling that they are not good at verbalizing. Everyone has different communication styles, but this problem can come up easily in a quiet child in a family dominated by big-time talkers. And it often initiates a vicious spiral downward. Maybe dad and older sister love to engage in spirited verbal battles at the dinner table, and younger daughter feels completely outmatched. That starts her feeling inadequate, then down goes the self-esteem, and soon she is convinced she can’t even express herself well, so why even try.
It can also be a sign of more serious issues, particularly if a family hasn’t been communicating well for a while. Your son may be grappling with a serious issue and feeling isolated, unsupported, and as if he doesn’t have anyone he can trust or in whom he can confide. Whatever the reason, the severance of communication is a signal that can’t be ignored.
The first thing we need to do is reflect deeply on our own role in creating this breach. All too often, their silence is a red flag trying to warn us that we have not been doing out job well enough. Once we have some idea of why we have been cut off, we can begin to repair the breach. But it must be done slowly and with extraordinary sensitivity. The last thing you want to do at this point is to force a confrontation that just ends up making them more defensive. Instead, you need to show them that you respect their decision to withdraw—temporarily—and offer them other ways of expressing themselves and other people with whom they may find it easier to talk. Affirm your love and willingness to go through anything with them.
Pay special attention to your sons
Big boys don’t cry; they grow up to be men who have precious little understanding of their own emotional centers. This is the signature statement of how we have raised our sons for centuries. And in denying them their tears, we have unwittingly cut them off at a very tender age from the entire world of healthy emotions. That is a handicap even more devastating in its effects than losing one’s sight or hearing, for only our feelings can lead us to the essential truth about ourselves.
When we raise our sons without access to their emotions, we deny them the whisper of their deepest wisdom. Within the incredibly intricate, complex, and confusing path of life, this capacity for knowing is our greatest gift. Yet instead of nurturing this gift and training our boys in its use, we have largely allowed it to wither and recede into the background.
Without access to this miraculous tool, our sons grow up like carpenters without saws, trying to fit all the pieces of their lives together without the ability to cut, shape, and size the materials they are given. They operate by someone else’s design, and the results can only be the construction of a life that does not reflect who they truly are.
Don’t guess, ask
Communicating love in a way our sons can receive it is not always easy, because we don’t always know what they want and it never occurs to them to tell us. The range of things that can mean love is as broad and varied as our imaginations. It may be hugs, special gifts, appreciative notes. It may be praise, but maybe only praise about certain things. It may be time together
The possibilities are endless, so ask. Otherwise, you may never learn. Be specific and keep asking until you get an answer. Then keep asking again and again as they grow, for just like you, their needs and wants change. Put what you have learned into practice, but, at the same time, don’t overdo it. Communicating love is a precious act and should be done often, but not routinely. The honesty and specialness of the moment must be preserved.
Teach the language of emotion
Our language is rich in words of emotion, but if you ask most people to start listing words that describe feelings, they rattle off a half-dozen or so—angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, happy, joyful—and, yes, they almost always start with the negative ones and grind to a halt. So review the partial list below and think about times you had these feelings. Then start today to expand your own emotional vocabulary.
Safe, relaxed, satisfied, undesirable, lethargic, needy, confident, optimistic, loved, insulted, resentful, ignored, excited, energized, connected, empty, trapped, obligated, amused, fortunate, effective, rotten, infuriated, idiotic, empowered, spirited, peaceful, puzzled, resigned, terrified, special, wonderful, vibrant, regretful, intolerant, gullible, respected, fantastic, elated, hesitant, horrible, hated, eager, excellent, engaged, indifferent, inept, invisible,tremendous, tipsy, tingly, lonely, lousy, lost, forgiven, funny, fearless, grumpy, guilty, gullible, enthusiastic, enriched.
Respect their feelings
Sounds simple, but it isn’t. Their feelings are exactly that—their feelings. They are real, they are true, and they are a precious gift when shared. But they can also be difficult to hear without becoming defensive ourselves, so we need to resist pulling out all the tricks we have developed over time to deflect and negate the feeling.
Just as an example, your son says to you, “You don’t love me!” It’s absurd, and our automatic response system wants to kick in with “Don’t even say that” or “Of course I love you” or “That’s ridiculous.” But each of those answers sends the same message in differing degrees: “Your feelings are wrong or stupid.” And in that moment, you are the one who is wrong, because you completely ignore what he is feeling and jump instantly to your own defense. In the process, you send the more damning message that you don’t want to hear about his feelings.
Feelings are never wrong; they simply are. They may emerge from a misunderstanding or a failure to properly communicate, and at times they can be inappropriate or misplaced, but they are always true. We need not only to treat them with respect, but to be thankful that, in this one place in our lives, we can always know that the truth is being spoken.
Respond to feelings first
Respecting our children’s feelings is the start; responding immediately is the next step. Getting our children to express their feelings is difficult enough; the very least we can do is be meticulously careful to respond immediately and compassionately to them when they are offered. Surprisingly, many
Often, when boys do get up the courage to express their emotions, it is because the feelings are so strong they simply have to come out. In many of those situations, the feelings are not well articulated and not at all what we want to hear. Our job is to sift through all the accusing or hostile words, find the core feelings, and articulate them back whether we like them or not.
When your son tells you, “You never listen to me!” what he is really saying is that “my experience is that you don’t really listen to what I am trying to say, and that hurts.” The issue you need to deal with first and foremost is his feeling that he is hurt. Address the feeling before going on to the issue that may have provoked the feelings.
Teach them to take responsibility for their feelings
We are so poorly trained in the language of emotions that, even when we use the right words, we rush past the feeling to assign blame for the “creator” of that feeling. “You hurt my feelings!” After all, if I feel hurt, then certainly someone must have made me feel this way! What gets lost in the presumptuous conclusion is everything of any substance. In the first place, more often than not, the person being accused of “making you feel hurt” never had any intention of hurting you. They may have said something or done something that they should have known might hurt you, but simply didn’t think of the consequences. Then again, they may have done or said something that they had no idea would hurt you. It is rare
In the second place, remarkable as it sounds, no one can “make you” feel anything. Your emotional response is your own responsibility—what angers one person may embarrass or even please another. One significant component of emotional intelligence is taking responsibility for our own feelings. Help your children learn the difference between how they feel and what, in fact, has happened.
Most of us were never taught about the arena that social scientists call “managing feelings.” What they mean by this is not “management” in the traditional male mode of repression and denial. Rather, they mean knowing what to do about strong emotions. Do you collapse in tears? Allow the feeling to move through you? Tell the other person? Seek help from others? Decide to distract yourself instead?
The truth is that all of these (and many other) choices are appropriate under different circumstances, and yet many of us aren’t even consciously aware that we have any choice at all! The first thing we can do is let our sons know that there is a variety of healthy responses to feelings, and give them a list: Write a letter you never send expressing how you feel; act out your feeling with your body; go into a room alone and scream at the top of your lungs; take your feeling for a walk alone; call a friend and ask him or her to listen without saying anything.
We can’t help our children feel the full spectrum and intensity of their emotions without giving them some tools to deal with them.
Allow them to express themselves in their own way
We live in a world that values words, preferably expressed in a calm, rational manner. There is much to be said for that ability, but we can get so focused on channeling all our children’s energy into that one narrow outlet that we dampen and miss out on other expressive ways of communicating with us. When they come running up to us talking a mile a minute, hands flying all over the place, excitedly pacing or rocking, or maybe dragging their feet and hanging their head, resist the temptation to get them to cut to the chase, and “tell you” what’s up.
Stop for a moment and observe the way they are expressing their feelings. Often, particularly when they sink into a noncommunicative phase, this will be the only evidence you have of what is really going on inside them. Become a master of interpreting clues that can reveal the feelings they may or may not be willing or ready to express. Celebrate their expressiveness, because it can help you understand them better and because it is a natural part of their own fledgling attempts to let their feelings show.
Play with feelings
Children play, thank goodness, or we would never get anything done! But children’s play has a point; they are practicing all kinds of emotional, social, and intellectual skills. We have long known that children’s play prepares them for the different stages of their lives, but we have been slow to turn this wonderful laboratory to its best use. In a sense, we allow our children to dictate how, when, and what they will play. Some of that is good, in that it can allow their own creative needs to be met. But we need
More and more frequently, we abdicate this fertile ground to the television. Children are easily captured by stunning visual images, whether it be Barney or the Power Rangers, and their play takes on a decidedly directed and sometimes unhealthy bent. One area that is almost completely neglected is playing at emotions. If we want our boys to grow up in touch with and in control of the emotions within them, it would help if we gave them some early practice through play. There are at least two components of emotional intelligence that kids can learn through play. One is to identify the feeling: I’m mad; I’m frustrated; I’m excited. The other is what to do about the feeling: I’m going home; I’m going to tell you how I’m feeling; I’m taking a walk.
Give their feelings room
Despite all the sweet talk about caring and concern for each other’s feelings, most people are incredibly bad at demonstrating care and concern in the moment. We gravitate to our own feelings, latch onto them like a life vest in a turbulent sea, and completely disregard how the other person is feeling. That’s why so many disagreements end up with us figuratively curled up in the fetal position in our own corner, astonished at the lack of love and concern being displayed by our partners.
Such behavior makes for a rocky and ultimately distant relationship, but the one place we have absolutely no right to behave in such a juvenile manner is with our children. The rule of thumb when dealing with our kids is that it is their feelings that matter, not ours. We are supposed to be the adults, the
When kids are faced with parental volatility, one of two things happens: either they learn to become hysterical themselves to get attention, or they shut down altogether because there isn’t any space for them to experience and express their own emotional reaction—they’re too busy trying to avoid yours. Both can have serious consequences, although the behavior of a hysterical child is more overt. I once knew an adolescent who didn’t tell his mom he was being molested for a year because he didn’t want to deal with her hysteria.
Help them to grieve
Emotions exist for a reason: to be experienced so that we can learn more about the deeper parts of ourselves. When we shut that experience down, we not only turn our backs on vital information that could enrich our lives beyond imagination, we also build a wall around a part of our inner being, a wall that blocks us from conscious understanding. The more often we do this, the less access we have to the very information we need to live our lives consciously. After years of repressing emotions, our interior landscape becomes a clutter of unknown obstacles, and our conscious decisions start to drift into shallow parody, cut off from any real information about who we are and what we need.
The stronger the emotion repressed, the more damage we do to ourselves, and it is hard to imagine an emotion more powerful than grief. Yet, the very power of that feeling often stops us in our tracks. We know intuitively that to experience grief truly may mean losing control, collapsing in a sobbing fit of tears that feels for all the world like a never-ending spiral into despair. If we are lucky, we learn that experiencing grief, in all its painful intensity, does not harm, but heals, us and ultimately deepens our understanding and appreciation of life itself. It is a lesson that is very difficult for children to learn on their own, but it is a gift of extraordinary importance that we can offer them.
Teach the difference between feeling and acting
One of the hallmarks of emotional intelligence is impulse control; thinking before acting. Like other aspects of emotional “smarts,” children tend to have trouble with this. Of course, it can get them into all kinds of trouble when young, and if not learned, it can lead to difficulties with drugs, alcohol, and violence later in life.
A key component of impulse control is to understand the difference between feelings and actions. Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you should act on it, and understanding that truth goes a long way toward creating good impulse control.
Help your children understand that feelings exist outside our conscious control. They just are; they arise and fall in an ongoing flow: frustration, elation, sadness, anger, hurt, joy. They get triggered in us by the intersection of the outside world with our personal histories. That’s why the same thing
Whether or not to act on a feeling—to tell someone you’re mad or to stomp off in a huff, for example—is a choice. You don’t actually have to act on any feeling. Sometimes it’s better not to. We need to teach our children that just because they feel something doesn’t mean they have to do anything about it. What’s best is to notice the feeling first, identify it, and then think about whether acting on it is a good idea.
Cultivate emotional insight
Insight is yet another dimension to emotional intelligence. Insight is the capacity to perceive the nature of something. Emotional insight allows us to identify patterns in our emotional reactions and, perceiving the patterns, have more choices in our reactions.
Instead of just freaking out, for example, every time you see a big dog coming down the street, treating it as a random and isolated event, look for a pattern. With this insight, you are able to think, “Oh, I guess I’m afraid of big dogs. I see I do this every time one comes along.” Once you have that awareness, the pattern has less effect on you. The next time a big dog comes along, you can think to yourself, “Here’s that thing again that scares me.” Recognizing that often helps alleviate some of the panic. With maturity, you can even go further and analyze why you are afraid and what other choices you have as to how to react.
People without emotional insight go through life as if every day were their first day on the Earth, making the same mistakes again and again and never realizing them, much less taking responsibility for them. I once had a friend who had been married
Insight allows us to learn from our emotional mistakes and to correct them. Help your boy begin to thread together the emotional patterns of his life.
Make home a haven
The world can be a scary place. It’s hard enough when we are all grown up and have to try to make sense out of things and find our place and purpose in the midst of all that clatter and confusion. Just imagine how alternately beautiful and wondrous and mysteriously terrifying it can be to a child without any of the resources necessary to sort it out. Yet that is the world we are raising them to live in. Therein lies one of the greatest challenges we face as caregivers—how to protect our children adequately, to shield them from the full harshness of the world, while at the same time preparing them fully to deal with the world as it truly is. It’s a difficult balancing act. One of the key pieces that we can put in place without having to worry about whether we are overdoing it is to create a safe, secure, and supportive haven for them at home.
One part of that formula entails the conscientious elimination of any residual tensions. If you have an argument, if for any reason you need to discipline them, if there are any lingering issues between you that make your interactions uncomfortable, then you need to resolve them as quickly, compassionately, and
A second part of that formula is to try to help them make their own space within your home—one that supports, nourishes, and reflects their emerging identity. This can require some tongue-biting at times, since the likelihood of your decorating ideas matching theirs is pretty slim. But remember, this is their inner sanctum, the place they need to feel most comfortable, so go out of your way to be helpful and supportive.
Respect their privacy
One day, your children are crawling all over you, chattering away a mile a minute about the intricate details of their day, and then it seems the very next day, they become secretive and concerned about privacy. As they grow, they naturally begin to separate their lives from yours. That much we can understand in theory, since the whole idea is to see them off into their own lives fully capable and confident in their own abilities.
But the process can be difficult to endure. It usually takes place in fits and starts; one day we are confidantes; and the next day we are excluded. Even very young children who have just reached school age may be reluctant to share information with us about their new world, and the need for privacy only increases through high school. While it can be hard, particularly with a child who used to share everything, we must honor their need to experience and experiment with secrets and privacy, because
Show your respect for their efforts by allowing them the privacy they desire. Allow them to designate which parts of their room or drawers in their desk are off-limits to others. Support them if snooping siblings invade their domain, and, unless you have a very good reason (grave emotional and bodily harm), discipline yourself to keep out of their private space.
Teach them how to think for themselves
It’s easy to think that care-giving means bossing around the children in our lives. After all, they know nothing (at least in the beginning), and by now, we know a great deal, so it is natural to assume that parenting is a process of telling what we know. But that tendency is dead wrong. Most of what kids learn they must experience for themselves, and to the extent they do comply with our advice, they are in danger of becoming kids with low self-esteem who can’t make an independent decision.
Teaching something to someone is not about telling them where to look when they swing or where to put their feet or what to do and not to do. Rather, it is placing the learner in the environment and asking the right questions so that the learner can experience it for themselves. Coaching therefore becomes more of a process of inquiry than a lecture.
Parenting and teaching are very much like coaching. The more we can avoid the tendency to speechify and instead ask our children good questions when they come to us for advice or in the context of a conversation, the more they will actually create the inner framework for making healthy decisions in their own lives.
Instead of lecturing them when they do something wrong, ask them to reflect on the consequences: “When you hit Francine, what happened? How did you feel? How did she feel? What did you learn from that?” Instead of giving a lecture on good study habits, have them experiment with a couple of methods and then follow up with questions: “Do you do better on a multiple-choice test when you read the book two days before and then have a conversation with someone about it, or does it help more to take a walk first, and then review at the last minute?” The more our children understand themselves, how they learn, and how they feel, the more they can make their way easily in the world, brimming with the confidence such knowledge imparts.
Show your love in a way they can receive it
Loving our children is easy; figuring out how to communicate that love is more difficult; and doing it on a consistent basis is more difficult still. Part of the problem stems from our own unarticulated sense that with a love so strong, somehow the children should just “know.” They don’t, and the ways they can receive love will change over time. Sometimes, when they are young and still unspoiled by the traps our culture sets for them,
What works will shift and change over time, and it is our responsibility to shift and change with it. It is our responsibility to remind our children on a regular basis both how precious they are to us and how important it is never to stop communicating that love. Both messages are crucial, because our children need every ounce of our love to give them the strength and courage to grow into emotionally healthy individuals. Parents who model for their children the ability and importance not only of maintaining that strong emotional connection but communicating it regularly are the best examples they will ever have.
Do things together
There is an old adage that says, “Men do, women are.” Like most gender assumptions, there is a kernel of truth to this. Much more than with our daughters, with whom we can have a conversation about feelings, if we want a freely flowing emotional connection to our sons, in which we can freely explore their feelings, we need to do things with them on a regular basis.
Traditionally, boys build their emotional connections to others through activities. Whether this is a genetic predisposition or simply centuries-old learned behavior will undoubtedly remain
And we need to be the ones who initiate the doing. Because of old, but still powerful, stereotypes, boys are both less ready to articulate emotional disappointment and more willing to act “tough” by accepting your lack of participation without complaint. It may seem a small thing, but the combination of culturally induced resistance to discussing feelings and the equally strong cultural admonition to be “strong” can create gaping holes of disconnection that our boys fall into easily and do not know how to escape.
With today’s accelerated pace, it may be difficult, but find a way to do something with your children on a daily basis. After all, in the final analysis few things will ever be as important as your children. Live that importance by remembering that what we want to do and what our intentions are do not matter nearly as much as what we actually do.
