- Introduction - Page 13
Change is difficult and painful—painful because the ways of the past now appear sadly inadequate, painful because what should replace the ways of the past is not at all clear, and painful because, regardless of the wounds, constraints, injustices, or inadequacies of the “old way,” they also had benefits, particularly the comfort of familiarity. Painful or not, these changes are upon us. Whether we applaud, fear, or resent them no longer matters; they are here and we must deal with them.
The distance our fathers accepted as natural and appropriate is now threatening to unravel the very social fabric of parenting. The simplistic response to this by many men is an angry rejection of the “old ways,” most often expressed in some variation of “I won’t make the mistakes my father made.”
It is true that, if we are smart enough, courageous enough, persistent enough, and vigilant enough, we won’t make the same mistakes our fathers made—we will make our own mistakes. But before we toss out our fathers with last year’s calendar, it may help to remember that they grew up in another time and, in a very real sense, pioneered a new era.
This is more true today than it has ever been. Television, jet airplanes, telephones, copiers and fax machines, personal computers, the list goes on and on—all are essential fixtures in our lifetime that did not exist when most of our fathers were growing up. And, of course, their most important lessons about fathering came from their fathers, many of whom were born in the nineteenth century. We can turn our backs in hurt and
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